2017- Patience & Growth

My mind was blank writing this last blog for 2017.

This project, what I’ve started and my plans for the future is just the beginning to becauseof89

I just wanted to thank everyone who ever took the time to read my blogs, share them and comment. It means the world to me how my writing can inspire someone else. Someone even told me that “I’m out here writing what people are really thinking”.

I started this blog in hopes of my own outlet. I had a lot of anger towards life period and all the things I’ve been through but through my writing I understand more and more that life just happens. I spend a lot of time evaluating myself, the people around me and just people I encounter and honestly everyone has a story. Every story has an ending.

But if I knew then what I know now, would I be living? Would I be where I am today? would I be who I am destined to be? I haven’t gotten it all figured out but I know at the end, Ill be alright.

This year my patience was tested.  I wanted to give up on my goals but the bigger picture is clearer than giving up. Giving up sometimes is so much easier. I took some time from social media and made things happen. Though I’m not where I want to be, I am headed in the right direction. Giving up would give the enemy so much power and as competitive as I am, It would not be pretty!

Ive decided in order to GROW, I have to accept what was and that growth is only from within. Growth is not following the crowd, but leading your own pack. Growth is when you have decided to put certain things aside to accomplish what needs to get done and even when you get left behind, its okay because your time is coming.

I got a new job and I was working over night, going to school, seeing my daughter less and it was hard. My family and friends never doubted me and I appreciate them for that. Though I doubted some decisions I had to make in order to be where I am now, I don’t regret any of them. My daughter would call me and tell me how she wanted to come home but I had to work and go to school. I explained to her that in due time it would be over. In due time, school was over and I passed the most stressful semester of my program with flying colors and I got offered a better schedule and I could go back to my routine with my daughter. Patience and prayer. If someone tells you that God isn’t real, they’re lying! God has seen me through in situations that I had no idea I was even in.

The power of prayer and patience!

We honestly don’t know what we have until its gone; wishing my mother was here in these stressful times or even my brother to help a sister out because thats just what he does or to even have your older sister reminding you that you got this. My little sister helping me with homework because I’m stressed or your friends willing to help in anyway.

We don’t understand the true meaning of patience until its all we can have. When you have to swallow your pride, dry your eyes and hide the pain because you don’t know that those four walls can cave in on you.

But its almost the new year and I’m here to say I made it!

I’m thankful for the lessons I had to learn.

2017-Patience and Growth!

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Oh December,

This time of the year is usually the time of the year that i wish it was still 1999. Time as we know it, doesn’t stop for you or for me. Although sometimes I wish it did just to have one last hug or kiss or moment, we have to keep it moving because that’s the way life works. No matter how hard it may seem or hard it is to keep it going, we have other things to live for, other memories we have to create, other moments we have to cherish and just other times to think about the times we had.

I always wonder am I supposed to be happy, am I supposed to live and forget about my mother, am I supposed to be okay without her. Over time, these thoughts continue to linger.

But with time comes understanding; although we don’t understand it at the moment. Lots of frustration for what could’ve, should’ve and would’ve been. As we get older we only want our mothers advice, their understanding, their love, words of wisdom, some affection and just some of their time. As children, we have failed our mothers by not being the best we thought we could’ve been. Sometimes we didn’t give It our all because we were either scared, nervous or just afraid to fail. But I know for sure my mother is proud of us.

Life has taught me how to love; because of my experiences. To Love hard. To care for those around me. Not only tell them but show them. And a lot of it is because of my mother. I know how to love my daughter— how to love people. Trying to spend as much time I can with her-—try to spend time with those I love.

Ive learned to love my family, to love my friends. I’ve learned to pray for them and pray for us to understand that life happens.

I’ve always admired my mothers strength and being the woman and mother I am today is partially because of her. She worked a dead end job to make sure we always had food on the table.

In December of 2000, I remember going to visit my mother and the following day my grandma passed away. Two weeks later, God called my mother home. At the age of 11, I didn’t understand what was going on but I knew then that life would be different without her. I didn’t know that at the age of 28, I would still be mourning her loss and wondering where the time had gone.

My little sister turned 18 this year and I thought where did the time go. I wish my mom were here to see how smart she has become and her success. My brother finally found his gift and making better choices. I know she would love to see her baby boy progressing. She would love to be apart of her grandchildren upbringing so she can take control.

Time is something I wonder about all the time and honestly it passes us by without notice. And later on we are able to look back and wonder what did I do with the time that I was given. I always think about the moments I wish never ended. I always think about the moments I want to re live. I think about how far I’ve come, I think about where I’ve come from and how far I’m going. In the process of it all so much has happened.

My aunt reminds me that she loves me a lot and she tells me she appreciates our friendship that we’ve built. I tell her Auntie, time is just always moving and I’m stuck trying to have those old times back. She reminds me again that time doesn’t stop, we just have to cherish the moments

I’ve learned that you can’t have time back.

We spend more time trying to fix what was than focusing on the future..

Nothing can make up for the time you’ve lost.

All you can do is move forward!

I’ve wasted a lot of time being sad

a lot of time wondering about the what if’s

Spent a lot of time wondering about time that I wished never ended

We are 17 years in, my mom would’ve been 60- today-Dec 6. I just wish she were here to celebrate with us.

I always wonder what life would have been had she been here.

And as my friend has said “we will never know”

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”
― Mother Teresa