Oh December,

This time of the year is usually the time of the year that i wish it was still 1999. Time as we know it, doesn’t stop for you or for me. Although sometimes I wish it did just to have one last hug or kiss or moment, we have to keep it moving because that’s the way life works. No matter how hard it may seem or hard it is to keep it going, we have other things to live for, other memories we have to create, other moments we have to cherish and just other times to think about the times we had.

I always wonder am I supposed to be happy, am I supposed to live and forget about my mother, am I supposed to be okay without her. Over time, these thoughts continue to linger.

But with time comes understanding; although we don’t understand it at the moment. Lots of frustration for what could’ve, should’ve and would’ve been. As we get older we only want our mothers advice, their understanding, their love, words of wisdom, some affection and just some of their time. As children, we have failed our mothers by not being the best we thought we could’ve been. Sometimes we didn’t give It our all because we were either scared, nervous or just afraid to fail. But I know for sure my mother is proud of us.

Life has taught me how to love; because of my experiences. To Love hard. To care for those around me. Not only tell them but show them. And a lot of it is because of my mother. I know how to love my daughter— how to love people. Trying to spend as much time I can with her-—try to spend time with those I love.

Ive learned to love my family, to love my friends. I’ve learned to pray for them and pray for us to understand that life happens.

I’ve always admired my mothers strength and being the woman and mother I am today is partially because of her. She worked a dead end job to make sure we always had food on the table.

In December of 2000, I remember going to visit my mother and the following day my grandma passed away. Two weeks later, God called my mother home. At the age of 11, I didn’t understand what was going on but I knew then that life would be different without her. I didn’t know that at the age of 28, I would still be mourning her loss and wondering where the time had gone.

My little sister turned 18 this year and I thought where did the time go. I wish my mom were here to see how smart she has become and her success. My brother finally found his gift and making better choices. I know she would love to see her baby boy progressing. She would love to be apart of her grandchildren upbringing so she can take control.

Time is something I wonder about all the time and honestly it passes us by without notice. And later on we are able to look back and wonder what did I do with the time that I was given. I always think about the moments I wish never ended. I always think about the moments I want to re live. I think about how far I’ve come, I think about where I’ve come from and how far I’m going. In the process of it all so much has happened.

My aunt reminds me that she loves me a lot and she tells me she appreciates our friendship that we’ve built. I tell her Auntie, time is just always moving and I’m stuck trying to have those old times back. She reminds me again that time doesn’t stop, we just have to cherish the moments

I’ve learned that you can’t have time back.

We spend more time trying to fix what was than focusing on the future..

Nothing can make up for the time you’ve lost.

All you can do is move forward!

I’ve wasted a lot of time being sad

a lot of time wondering about the what if’s

Spent a lot of time wondering about time that I wished never ended

We are 17 years in, my mom would’ve been 60- today-Dec 6. I just wish she were here to celebrate with us.

I always wonder what life would have been had she been here.

And as my friend has said “we will never know”

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”
― Mother Teresa

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4 thoughts on “Oh December,

  1. This is the most beauty in word I’ve read in a long time your patients and thought resonate in my heart…thank you for bringing me into you heart and mind. Continue to be great.
    -ballpointnino

    Like

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