In this decade

In this decade

I have learned about myself on so many different levels

I’ve learned to let go and let God

Though I may still dwell on the what if’s, I continue to pray that I understand

That it wasn’t meant for me

It was time to let go and begin a new chapter

That eventually, it will become a thing of the past

I’ve learned that my mistakes are what helps mold a better me

I’m able to look back on them and make better decisions

I’ve learned that my peace is imperative to protect

When you’re at war with your mind, your peace keeps you sane

I’ve experienced Growth

In the process of it, I had to let go

I’ve had to let go in order to grow

Some things that once made me happy are no longer of substance in my life

And because Growth can be uncomfortable

It wasn’t easy

I’ve learned things can change overnight

My feelings

Love

Life

Wealth

Happiness

It can change overnight and all we can do is accept it for what it is

I’ve learned

That my words are powerful

What I speak over my life, it shall come to past

I’ve learned

There are seasons for everyone in your life

reasons they came into your life

they’ve come to teach us lessons

They’ve helped you overcome an obstacle

Once the season is over

It’s time for a new start

I’ve learned to love me for me

Accept all my flaws

Accept all my scars

Do not dwell on them but understand that I am who I am

In this decade,

I finally met my older sister

My brother came home from doing a 10 year bid

In this decade

I gave birth to two amazing souls

proud of who I’m becoming because of them

my strength & my weakness

everything beyond the stars and the moon

Love in its purest form

Moving forward always

As it nears the end of the year and also the last year of my 20’s, I’ve realized that I’ve done a lot of wishing, dreaming and hoping.

Wishing for things to get better, dreaming of better days and hoping for miracles to take place. All in all, they didn’t come in the form I’d been praying about but they came

Sometimes we spend time focusing on things that won’t elevate us, that won’t help us prosper that we lose sight of what’s ahead. Not because we can’t but because our faith is one foot in the door and half foot out. Because we are so used to things falling apart and not seeing the beauty of it. Things fall apart so better things can come about. If only it was easier said than done.

I’m GRATEFUL! BLESSED! HIGHLY FAVORED.

Our value is so much more than beauty meets the eye. Our deepest scars makes us beautiful human beings with beautiful souls and beautiful minds.

I spent a lot of my teen years and 20s, wishing things would be something that I had no control over. Hoping for things I couldn’t control. Dreaming of the negative thoughts. And not putting more of my energy into my goals. Not focusing on the beautiful things happening regardless of some of the bad days.

It’s more mental than we will ever know!

I like to snap back in reality some days because I’m so focused on the what if’s, I lose sight of what’s ahead. I forget that I have a future that I can make brighter with a better vision. With a better mindset. With positive people. Positive thoughts. Positive atmosphere. Focusing on myself. Self care. Self love. Then being able to love and live accordingly.

Of course easier said than done but it can be done.

Becoming this great woman that people say that I am isn’t an overnight job. It’s daily prayers, daily tears, daily battles with myself, daily reminders to myself that I got this and I’m doing it and why won’t I accept whole heartedly that everything is and will work in my favor

It’s because I didn’t want to receive the change or understand that life does have sunny days and not only cloudy days. I definitely lack self motivation sometimes because I’m always in doubt. But now I want change and positivity more than ever, Bc it’s the only way.

If I can encourage people to be a better them, I can do it for myself.

So I said to say that in 2019; I’m willing to continue to make those sacrifices that will leave me happier in the end. I’m willing to try new things, new people, new places, new atmosphere just to better myself. I’m willing to still be myself in a room full of negativity and continue to live my best life.

It’s definitely only up from here and we got this

New year

same me

Working towards these short term/long term goals

And just more positive thinking

Making some promises to myself that I will keep.

Happy new year!!

Traveling thoughts

Place written: Somewhere In Costa Rica

Date: Sunday April 8, 2018

These blogs that I write have always arrived at some point in a conversation I’ve had with someone

Either something the person said or even I said triggered a thought or just brought me back to whatever I went through or going through

I’m constantly battling these thoughts in my mind about becoming a better me, overcoming obstacles, trying to believe more positive than negative, trying to figure myself out while maintaining the relationships I have with people

My mind always wanders

And ever since I could remember my life has been a whirlwind; growing up I had this crazy crazy idea that parents like my mother and father just never got married but my aunts and uncles were married

I automatically assumed that my friends would be in the same predicament I was in

So in my mind I truly and honestly believed that moms and dads were not married but aunts and uncles were

I always wondered if another family in the world were living like us

Did their mom work the same job my mom did?

Did there fathers get sick when they were 3 too?

Years down the line, when my mother passed I wondered if kids my age lost their mom at the same age I did

And with all the friends I had or hung out with the most, everyone had a different story

Everyone comes from a different walk of life

Everyone has a story

Everyone has a past

“Your friend is fighting battles we know nothing about”

Unknown

“Everyone has a story they don’t want to read out loud”

Unknown

These unknown quotes ring in my head all the time and brings me to this topic I wanted to share but kept adding more details.

It’s just funny how life happens though

In my mind, I picture things a certain way

I definitely work towards it

But in reality I’m scared

I’m always scared to fail

I’m afraid to do wrong by my child

I’m afraid to let her down

I’m afraid that I’m not good enough or because I am the way that I am; just anything to doubt myself

Growing up; I envisioned certain things becoming my reality and I trained my mind after having my baby that I wanted to be different

We train our minds to believe whatever we want it to believe

People talk themselves into believing things we don’t even want to believe

It also bought me to thinking about some of the people I surrounded myself with or got involved with

How the things we go through molds us into the people we end up becoming

The way we treat people stems from how we were once treated

It’s like the saying, if you know better, you do better but if you don’t then what?

How we are; I see my mom in me in a lot of ways

Even the way I’m raising my child

My thoughts on being married or not married

How we treat the people we love; do we treat them with love

How we are raised in our households

The things we go through affects psychologically more than we believe or know

But what we have been through should be lessons & mistakes we should be able to throw away, right? But it’s not as easy as you think it is unless you’ve been through it; and I can definitely attest to that

They say forget what made you cry and focus on what’s ahead

But Believe it OR not; we are what we consume, we are the energy we let around us and we ARE a product of our environment; it molds us to be who we are

It gives us something to look back on

To take a step back and regain focus as to why you work so hard

Why you would rather work overtime to do things you love and then you have people who don’t have those visions

It makes us become better people

*If not for myself, then for NO ONE*

AND In this thought process, I’ve come to conclude that your past can make OR break your future. We can linger on about the past all we want. However; please remember the saying “We are who we are, but don’t let your past determine your future”

A constant battle I’m forever praying for

to become better for myself and for the people I surround myself with to become better

With how our past affects us

Being more positive and learning from it all

for the people we love and to leave the generation moving forward with good thoughts and better things to grow up on

Morals we didn’t get to instill from our parents, we can be different

Do it for the generation coming up

And in the same breath please also remember that I am a product of progressing to progress because every day I regress but I have to pray to see the bigger picture and let my future be a happier place

Chapter 29; almost off the calendar

S/o to my photographer

My friend

My sus

For capturing my moments

I fell over and over and over

Sometimes flat on my face

But eventually I’ve gotten back up

So many times I doubt myself

Literally about a lot

But this year

I’ve decided to reclaim my crown, adjust it and I’m going to make it by best year

It’s the last year of my 20s

because I’ll be off the calendar soon

I laughed and then reality hit. It’s true!

Life truly began for me when our mother passed; I was 11

Didn’t know what life would be without her and here we are 17 years later

But by the age of 16, I was literally on my own

Had a lot to fend for, worked harder than I anticipated on ever doing and of course some bumps along the way

I was a woman finally coming out of my shell

I’ve made mistakes that I don’t regret

I’ve made mistakes that I wish had a better turn out

I often look back and wish that I could relive some moments and some I wish I never lived

but all in all

Turning 29 is amazing because I got to see things

been through things

That people probably never would understand

But as I’ve continued writing, I understand my story is more than heartbreak, more than a girl who didn’t have both parents in the household, amongst other things but truly trying to be better

It’s encouraging others to be better and that one day they too can share their story

It’s learning how to love from a distance

Putting things to the side to reach the ultimate goal

It’s getting up every day even when you don’t want to, to try and be better than yesterday

It’s being a better mother,family member or even a friend

It’s learning from my mistakes

Learning from others

Letting go of the past

Even though it hurts

Not letting it define me but creating a better image

Moving forward to the future

Looking beyond the greener side

I am better and I know that with continued prayer and hard work I’ll get where I intend to be

Sometime last year, I saw a post that said

“My mother didn’t teach me how to live without her” and honestly it’s life period

The sad part is they cant teach us how to go through things

We have to GROW through things

It’s okay to let it break you for A MOMENT; it’s okay to not be okay for A MOMENT

No matter how prepared we think we are

How much you think you’re ready

Or how prepared we feel we are for certain things to happen; we just have to understand that life will sporadically happen

Life happens; either you deal with it or you don’t

There’s no way around it

So I say all this to say

That your story is yours

You can’t erase the past, you can only work towards the future

You can’t undo your mistakes, you can only learn from them

Only you wear it well

You can speak about it because you’ve lived it

By the Grace of God

I’m blessed beyond measures

I intend to take all these lessons I’ve learned along the way to be the better version of myself

We don’t truly know how far we’ve come until we sit back and remember the day we said, “I don’t know how I’m going to make it out of this one.”

Fast forward.. I made it through

Happy 29th birthday to me 🎉

2017- Patience & Growth

My mind was blank writing this last blog for 2017.

This project, what I’ve started and my plans for the future is just the beginning to becauseof89

I just wanted to thank everyone who ever took the time to read my blogs, share them and comment. It means the world to me how my writing can inspire someone else. Someone even told me that “I’m out here writing what people are really thinking”.

I started this blog in hopes of my own outlet. I had a lot of anger towards life period and all the things I’ve been through but through my writing I understand more and more that life just happens. I spend a lot of time evaluating myself, the people around me and just people I encounter and honestly everyone has a story. Every story has an ending.

But if I knew then what I know now, would I be living? Would I be where I am today? would I be who I am destined to be? I haven’t gotten it all figured out but I know at the end, Ill be alright.

This year my patience was tested.  I wanted to give up on my goals but the bigger picture is clearer than giving up. Giving up sometimes is so much easier. I took some time from social media and made things happen. Though I’m not where I want to be, I am headed in the right direction. Giving up would give the enemy so much power and as competitive as I am, It would not be pretty!

Ive decided in order to GROW, I have to accept what was and that growth is only from within. Growth is not following the crowd, but leading your own pack. Growth is when you have decided to put certain things aside to accomplish what needs to get done and even when you get left behind, its okay because your time is coming.

I got a new job and I was working over night, going to school, seeing my daughter less and it was hard. My family and friends never doubted me and I appreciate them for that. Though I doubted some decisions I had to make in order to be where I am now, I don’t regret any of them. My daughter would call me and tell me how she wanted to come home but I had to work and go to school. I explained to her that in due time it would be over. In due time, school was over and I passed the most stressful semester of my program with flying colors and I got offered a better schedule and I could go back to my routine with my daughter. Patience and prayer. If someone tells you that God isn’t real, they’re lying! God has seen me through in situations that I had no idea I was even in.

The power of prayer and patience!

We honestly don’t know what we have until its gone; wishing my mother was here in these stressful times or even my brother to help a sister out because thats just what he does or to even have your older sister reminding you that you got this. My little sister helping me with homework because I’m stressed or your friends willing to help in anyway.

We don’t understand the true meaning of patience until its all we can have. When you have to swallow your pride, dry your eyes and hide the pain because you don’t know that those four walls can cave in on you.

But its almost the new year and I’m here to say I made it!

I’m thankful for the lessons I had to learn.

2017-Patience and Growth!

Oh December,

This time of the year is usually the time of the year that i wish it was still 1999. Time as we know it, doesn’t stop for you or for me. Although sometimes I wish it did just to have one last hug or kiss or moment, we have to keep it moving because that’s the way life works. No matter how hard it may seem or hard it is to keep it going, we have other things to live for, other memories we have to create, other moments we have to cherish and just other times to think about the times we had.

I always wonder am I supposed to be happy, am I supposed to live and forget about my mother, am I supposed to be okay without her. Over time, these thoughts continue to linger.

But with time comes understanding; although we don’t understand it at the moment. Lots of frustration for what could’ve, should’ve and would’ve been. As we get older we only want our mothers advice, their understanding, their love, words of wisdom, some affection and just some of their time. As children, we have failed our mothers by not being the best we thought we could’ve been. Sometimes we didn’t give It our all because we were either scared, nervous or just afraid to fail. But I know for sure my mother is proud of us.

Life has taught me how to love; because of my experiences. To Love hard. To care for those around me. Not only tell them but show them. And a lot of it is because of my mother. I know how to love my daughter— how to love people. Trying to spend as much time I can with her-—try to spend time with those I love.

Ive learned to love my family, to love my friends. I’ve learned to pray for them and pray for us to understand that life happens.

I’ve always admired my mothers strength and being the woman and mother I am today is partially because of her. She worked a dead end job to make sure we always had food on the table.

In December of 2000, I remember going to visit my mother and the following day my grandma passed away. Two weeks later, God called my mother home. At the age of 11, I didn’t understand what was going on but I knew then that life would be different without her. I didn’t know that at the age of 28, I would still be mourning her loss and wondering where the time had gone.

My little sister turned 18 this year and I thought where did the time go. I wish my mom were here to see how smart she has become and her success. My brother finally found his gift and making better choices. I know she would love to see her baby boy progressing. She would love to be apart of her grandchildren upbringing so she can take control.

Time is something I wonder about all the time and honestly it passes us by without notice. And later on we are able to look back and wonder what did I do with the time that I was given. I always think about the moments I wish never ended. I always think about the moments I want to re live. I think about how far I’ve come, I think about where I’ve come from and how far I’m going. In the process of it all so much has happened.

My aunt reminds me that she loves me a lot and she tells me she appreciates our friendship that we’ve built. I tell her Auntie, time is just always moving and I’m stuck trying to have those old times back. She reminds me again that time doesn’t stop, we just have to cherish the moments

I’ve learned that you can’t have time back.

We spend more time trying to fix what was than focusing on the future..

Nothing can make up for the time you’ve lost.

All you can do is move forward!

I’ve wasted a lot of time being sad

a lot of time wondering about the what if’s

Spent a lot of time wondering about time that I wished never ended

We are 17 years in, my mom would’ve been 60- today-Dec 6. I just wish she were here to celebrate with us.

I always wonder what life would have been had she been here.

And as my friend has said “we will never know”

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”
― Mother Teresa

Chapter 28

I consider life to be chapters 

I consider every year of my life a chapter

In each chapter I have to learn new things 

I have to go through things 

I have to grow through things 

I had to learn to forgive 

I had to learn to forget some things 

I had to fall sometimes 

I had to fly on my very own 

And by flying; I don’t mean literally but I mean just spreading my wings, over coming things and possibly being content 
And as my brother reminds me every chance he gets “this is only temporary”

Those chapters we are on, we can make the best of them or still sit down and reflect on them while life is moving past us 
Some of the chapters were nightmares that I wish I could forget. Some chapters I couldn’t believe I went through and made it out alive. Sometimes the story got deeper And so in tune, i don’t even realize it’s a reality 
And One thing I’ve learned is that in order to move forward from a situation is to close the chapter you’re no longer wanting to read Sometimes you have to do it in the middle but either way it has to be done 
In order for you to have peace. Be in tune with yourself. Sometimes you have to move forward without looking back 
This specific topic reminds me of many conversations I have had with my friends; About life.. something we do ALOT! The things we have been through. How we can move forward from them. How crazy life is. How things happen. 

How we made it out of different chapters. Some with kids. Some don’t have any. And the things we go through on a daily. My one friend laughs and says “we need a show, We need a platform, People think this is easy. We are living in these times ‘Wed’ as she calls me, we are living in these times! ” 

Thats for another day though. 
In 2016 I read a post that asked me 

“What is this chapter of my life called?” 
Finding the inner me and being able to understanding what I’m all about. 

Taking time to understand what I want for my future and just being optimistic of what’s to come. 

Taking it one day at a time and coping with what life has to offer 

Doing what’s best for me

Loving myself inside and out

Not letting anyone or anything ruin my chances of success 

Putting me first in all the decisions I decide to make 

Looking at life in different perspectives 

Understanding that my situations could have been worst 

Spreading love, joy and happiness because eventually God sends it back my way in one way or another 

This chapter has been the best thus far, I’ve cried a little less.. I’ve been able to take on much more with what’s going on around me and I’ve been nonetheless happier in EVERYTHING I do. 

My question to you: 
What is this chapter of your life called??

There’s no manual, there’s no guide

I haven’t been posting as much because I’ve been so busy working, trying to catch up on sleep, being a mom and just focusing on what matters most 
School is about to start and I’ll be VERY busy this time around; I’m super excited though. I truly LOVE a challenge especially now that I’ve learned to challenge myself more 

My schedule is about to be madness and I’ve been praying in advance for strength 

But lately I’ve been thinking about life as I always do and man: There is no manual to life! 

From losing my mom and grandma at the age of 11 
Not knowing what would happen next 

Being depressed sometimes 

Then my dad not being in the picture 

My brother getting locked up, feeling like he left me which wasn’t his intentions at all 

To just dealing with piles of crap 

Being a black woman in society 

Trying to make it without degrading myself 

Then I meet my eldest sister 

Having great friends; a village of people who have helped me grow 

Watching my people struggle through things unimaginable— stress, relationships, self love.. etc 

Becoming a mom at 21, I thought I knew it all 

And actually I don’t 

No one taught me how to be a mother, it’s just a God given gift 

I raised my two cousins as a kid and that was no joke but it mentally prepared me but having my own (WHOLE) kid, a human to care for, a human who looks up to me, my own flesh and blood changes YOU as a person

It changed me! 

Knowing what I want for myself and for my child

 I’m working towards that everyday

There’s no manual or guide 

I make mistakes 

I have decisions to make

I have to care for myself to be able to care for her 

A lot has happened in this past year

I’m so thankful 

I’m so blessed 

God has truly been by my side 

EVERYTIME I wanted to give up 

2017 didn’t owe me anything but I took opportunities left to right 

Caught myself a couple of times crying because I was so overwhelmed but it works out in the end EVERY single time 
You just gotta do what you gotta do 

Breathe through every trial 

Pray that everything will workout in his favor 

Pray that your struggles won’t last always 

Pray that you’ll get through each day to make it to see another 

Thank God for your blessings 

Thank him for the good and the bad 

Thank him for the moments he let you miss for something better to come out of it 

Thank him for the times he shielded you from harm 

Pray over your child(ren)

Remind them that you love them

Remind the people you love and care about that you love and care for them 

Make it your business to take time for yourself 

Make it your business to be happy 

Travel 

Wind down 

Be happy 

Be sad 

Be alone 

Be with people 

It’s okay to release the stress in any way you choose as long as you’re not harming anyone around you 

Cry through the Bs 

Laugh because you’re nervous 

Laugh because it makes you feel better 

Love to the best of your abilities 

Love because it’s easier to do 

Learn from your mistakes 

Meet new people 

Learn from them 

Live because it’s all you can do 

Live because God gave you another chance 

Take opportunities given to you 

There’s no manual 

There’s no guide 

Because life just happens 

If we knew the outcomes, we wouldn’t be living 

Live life to the fullest 

Make it work 

10 years later

I remember graduating high school June of 2007. I was sad because I had so many memories here. When my mom passed, I came to North Miami middle school where I met most of my friends that I have until this day. Some I met and became close with in 6, 7th or even 8th grade. It’s so crazy how life works because these are the people that saw me when I was broken down sad and we used to write letters to each other. Those were the good old days. Fast forward to high school, some went on to different schools but the ones that stayed, we made sooooo many memories. In the morning, everyone used to chill on the gate and during lunch it was always so much fun. We couldn’t wait for class to begin so we could go clown. There were many fights, disagreements amongst some other things along the way. But high school was high school. For me, it was my comfort zone. I looked forward to coming there everyday because In some way and in some form it was fun. It was a time to create memories, share stories, get to know each other and embrace those times. I could go on and on about the stories I remember, but it would be way too long for this blog lol. Fast forward, during our high school graduation I looked forward to this very day July 22, 2017. Speaking to everyone and seeing how everyone has grew up!
Honestly I was ecstatic to see everyone and I wasn’t even expecting to see some people.. EVERYONE looked the same and sooooooo beautiful. It brought back so many memories, so much joy to my heart and just good times that I’ll forever cherish. I wished the night never ended and I’m glad that everyone came together to make this a moment we will never forget. I’m so happy I attended, the glow up was real and everyone seems like they’re doing great. Of course we missed the ones that passed on
I pray for you all.

I pray that God continues to guide you

As they say, life happens and it’s only meant to be lived because we don’t know about tomorrow and yesterday has gone away.

Enjoy the moments

Cherish them

Continue to strive for GREATNESS.

Let NO-ONE or ANYTHING come between you and your HAPPINESS!

Dear old me

A couple days ago, one of our blog sisters asked us to write a letter to our old selves. It wasn’t hard for me at all, but it did make me cry. I’ve come to understand in order to understand yourself and move on from certain situations, you need to come to terms with life happening. We are all growing, learning and just living. We should want change, feelings should change and people do as well. And in that process of growth, things tend to fall apart. The things you pray for don’t come as you intended but in forms that we have to piece and puzzle together. In my 28 years of living, I’m finally getting that. I’m getting the hang of things, learning to understand how people and just how life in general work while also learning about myself. This letter is intended for my old self. I was once young, I’ve made a lot of mistakes that I thought I would never get over and some have made me who I am. And in the process of elimination and growing unfortunately everyone in your life will not agree but as long as you’re content, that’s all that pretty much matters. 

So I’m toasting to the new me & I hope that I don’t offend anyone in my journey. I hope you enjoy this letter as much as I did writing it. I also hope that you can sit back and reflect how you can probably learn from this. 

Dear old me, 

Thank you for allowing me to get older, more beautiful and wiser. Thank you for the trials and tribulations. Thank you letting me go through those things so it could help mold me into who I am today. I haven’t always been this way, it took some time, dedication, tears, hard work, determination and I am thankful. Looking back at all that I’ve been through, I would say I was dumb however I was naive. I was naive because I didn’t know better. Thank you for giving me the voice I thought I never had. Looking back I was always scared of what people would say about me. Of how others looked at me. Of what the world will portray me as and one day I realized that being who I am is amazing and I have to be that no matter what and that definitely meant not letting anyone play a factor in what I choose to do. The old me was afraid because of people and today if I choose to do something or not do something it’s all in how it makes me feel. I’m not in this world for people. The old me has died. I have become a new person and yes sometimes I come off harsh but most importantly it’s always out of love. The old me cared way too much about others especially their opinions. The new me still loves people and accepts things for what it is! The old me cared about who was beside me and whose rooting for me, the new me roots for myself. The old me was scared to fail, the new me is okay with failing because it gives me an opportunity to try again and do better. The old me looked for happiness in people, the new me finds happiness in being a mom and in myself. I’m proud of coming from where I’ve come from, watching how much I’ve grown, the conversations that I can sit back and reflect on. The new me started pouring my energy into my blogs to free my mind of baggage. The new me is finding peace. Finding love in the things I love to do. The old me wanted so badly to make everyone happy while I was dying inside. I was so sad and depressed. I’m still getting over it but it’s better these days. The old me didn’t know that it was okay not to be okay. The new me is okay with not being okay and shutting the world out to get myself together. The old me didn’t allow myself to love myself enough to give that energy out. I was looking for love, care and acceptance in all the wrong people. The new me knows that In order to be happy and content that I have to always choose me first. Some may call it selfish but after you’ve heard my story, you’d agree. The old me was a little girl looking for happiness in all the wrong places and it was actually inside of me. The new me accepts that people will hurt me and be disloyal and I’m able to walk away from any situation knowing that I’ve made this choice in hopes that it betters me. The old me is gone and some will never accept it. They won’t accept how cold i am to some situations and it’s not because I don’t care it’s just because I’ve learned it’s better for me this way. The old me was praying for guidance and to show me the way but didn’t realize that my prayers had been working all the while, just in his form. The new me is trying to be closer to God. The new me knows that God has been by me every step of the way and all I have to do is have faith and believe. The old me didn’t accept the fact that my mothers passing was meant to happen. The old me didn’t want to understand that life happened in a blink of an eye. The new me embraces those things, talks about them, writes about them and prays about them! 
The old me is gone. 

The old me has blossomed into an incredibly beautiful woman and ready to conquer the world.